My Roles Are What I Do, Not Who I Am

Uncategorized May 13, 2021

I was a florist this past weekend.

My first job as a kid was helping a florist out with weddings, so I've always had this skill and passion in my back pocket. I ran my own business full-time for almost 2 years before I started Right to be Relevant. Business was good, then I quit doing flowers cold turkey because I thought it would confuse myself and others(mostly) if I did two very different things at once.

I felt so insecure when people would say things like, "𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴?! 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵. 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘶𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨!"

I let my fear of being misunderstood and judged drive my reality. I thought, if I can concisely say, "𝘏𝘪 𝘐'𝘮 𝘊𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘢 _____", then I will be loved, accepted, understood and respected.

It's hard to make sense of something to everyone else when it didn't make sense to me either. Turns out, 𝘁𝗿𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗺𝗮𝗱𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝘅 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗱.

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I had to...

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How To Get Out Of a Dark & Twisty Mindset

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

A lot of people are in a dark and twisty place right now. Which is valid I mean Jesus we’re literally locked in our houses with the looming fear of a virus you can’t see or control knocking on our door. People are out of jobs, suffering, fearing for their health and life, worried about loved ones they can’t even see in person. I mean this is wild and there is no avoiding the fact that these are some trying times.

 

I find myself extra worried about several groups of people, one of them being the people I know who struggle with anxiety and depression like I do. This may be a difficult time. BUT. With fewer external logistic distractions (social obligations, people at work, family commitments, etc), this could be an opportune time for an internal shift. 

 

If you find yourself spiraling into a negative place, I wanted to share some tips that have helped me personally and that I’ve seen help others. I’m a realist and I’m not throwing...

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When You're "In the Grip" of Stress, This is How You Show Up

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

I think it’s safe to say COVID-19 has dialed up the anxiety, sent emotions into overdrive and pushed the majority of people “in the grip”.

 

According to the Myers-Briggs Company, being in the grip is when you “exhaust all the energy of your dominant function and your psyche flips into the opposite inferior function.”

 

For each of the sixteen Myers-Briggs personality types, there is an inferior functioning preference. This means out of all eight personality preferences, one of them is your least favorite. So based on your four-letter type (ISTJ or ENFP for example), you hold the key to what your favorite letters are AND what your least preferred letters are. This is the letter that shows up in your personality when you’re stressed out or “in the grip.”

 

This knowledge is power, especially at a strange time like the one we’re currently living through.

 

You know when the gas light comes on in your car to let...

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The Hierarchy of Self-Help

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

I bet you’ve never heard of Cait McKay’s Hierarchy of Self-Help because this is also the first time I’m hearing of it. But maybe you’ve heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?

 

According to Psychology Today, “in 1943 the American psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed that healthy human beings have a certain number of needs, and these needs are arranged in a hierarchy. Some needs (such as physiological and safety needs) are more primitive or basic than others (such as social and ego needs). Maslow’s so-called ‘hierarchy of needs’ is often presented as a five-level pyramid, with higher needs coming into focus only once lower, more basic needs are met.”

 

I am by no means an expert on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs(MHN) nor am I here to give you a full lesson on his theory. Maybe one day I’ll be equipped to do that, but for now I wanted to share my thoughts that tie MHN to the journey many of us are on these...

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I Survived a Toxic Relationship

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

They didn’t respect me. If they did, they had a funny way of showing it.

 

They constantly said and did things that made me feel like I wasn’t enough. No matter what I did, it was never ever enough for their unclear and apparently unattainable expectations.

 

They didn’t let me rest or sleep in. When I rested they said I was lazy, even though I’ve always been a hard worker.

 

The relationship was controlled and lacked both authenticity and freedom. Few things felt natural or easy, most things felt heavy and serious.

 

They always put other people before me. Never even asking what I preferred or truly wanted. We would make fun plans together and they would blow them off to hang out with other people. It seemed like they never had time for me and they wouldn’t even acknowledge the times they blew me off. They did it with ease and no remorse. It was always yes to others and no to me.

 

They made me resent social media. I was...

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I AM or I AIN'T

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

“The spiritual life is like rowing a canoe away from a waterfall, if you stop rowing you are pulled backward.”

I love this quote Russel Brand shares in his book, Recovery. 

 

I keep the image of myself rowing away from a waterfall in my mind constantly. You can apply this concept to anything, not only living a spiritual life. For me right now, the consistent “rowing” means living my most authentic life. The second I lose the connection to my authentic self and start doing things that aren’t true for me, or rowing, I can feel myself getting pulled backwards toward the violent bottom of the waterfall. In my case, this waterfall symbolizes the disconnected version of myself I want to stay away from.

 

Living a life that’s true for me requires awareness and consistent mindfulness. I can’t decide to live a mindful life one day, then the next day do something that feels totally untrue for me or who I am striving to be. It is...

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You Are Enough This Holiday Season

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

Being a human being myself and working with other human beings, I notice that many of us have the unfortunate tendency to send ourselves the message that we should be doing more.

 

I think some people use this “more, more, more” approach constructively as a way to motivate themselves to be the best version of themselves they can be. Which has potential to be great and healthy if that’s what you’re actually doing. But I feel like the majority of people using this “more, more, more” approach are more externally focused and not very aligned with what truly feels good and right for themselves. (i.e. I must do more so my kids have the same holiday experience as the other families at school; I need to buy my friend an expensive gift because they bought me an expensive gift last year).

 

I challenge you to check in with yourself on this, especially as we are in the thick of the holiday season and closing the chapter on 2019. 

 

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'Tis the Season for Self-Inventory

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

The holidays can be koo koo ka ka insano (thank you Ilana Wexler). Are you being kind to yourself and working with what your natural preferences are? Or are you forcing yourself out-of-preference to check things off and get through December?

How do you direct and receive information?

Extroversion

This person is looking forward to the end-of-the-year work parties and family gatherings. Even after an eventful day at work, they’re ready to work the room with their gregarious energy. For those who prefer extroversion, the holiday season is all about absorbing the caring energy and magic in the air. Those who prefer extraversion are likely to experience the holiday season in some type of experiential and interactive way. You might find them volunteering with a group, Christmas caroling, hosting a gift exchange, or winning the ugly sweater contest at a party.

Introversion

This person prefers to recharge by reflecting on their own, so these sociable holiday parties filling up their...

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Struggles Are Not a Permanent Diagnosis

Uncategorized Jun 06, 2020

Pick any struggle you have. Literally any one of them. Now sit with the fact that there is someone who is currently or has struggled with the exact same thing or at least something very similar. They might not be on the other side of the world, they might even be the stranger sitting next to you in the coffee shop. 

 

You are special my friend, but the things keeping you up at night are not as unique as you think. Lots of people are suffocating financially. Struggling with parenthood. Addicted to something or in recovery. Can’t lose the weight. Can’t find the career they want. Going through divorce. Trying to start a business. Setting boundaries with family. Working on finding new friends. 

 

I’m not saying this to discount your experience. This shit is hard and whatever you’re working through is valid. But the challenges you face in life are not a permanent diagnosis. They are temporary and there are solutions at your fingertips and all...

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